Mostly the conflict would just be that I want to have things to share with the ethereal internet, new shows and rad news and all that cool making stuff. Honestly I just don’t right now. Have that much. To say.

I’ve been in a period of transition. I’ve become accustomed to not expecting too much. I’ve been not enthralled with the music world in general. It all has added up.

Transition just being more work. Time less cloudy.

Accustomed to not expecting too much meaning that well, I haven’t been super involved or am not receiving a ton of feedback/awesome news on the music front so like, ok. If what they say about successful people dealing with many many failures than I am sure to be super successful soon! Music blogs ignore me, venues don’t write me back, and festival submissions rejected. It’s been rough, if I’m honest. But (thankfully?) it’s to the point where I’m a bit numb about it. I am too stubborn or full of belief to really accept or believe that it means the music isn’t GOOD per se. It’s just not landing smoothly. Um. I don’t know. Whatever the reason, be it that I don’t jive well with the contemporary indie-music thing, be it that it is not produced well enough, be it that it hella sucks, there’s a whole lotta nothing going on. So I’ll just admit that. Yes it bums me out. Yes it leads to a bit of a personal crisis. No I don’t feel sorry for myself.

Not enthralled with music world in general. I just don’t love where music is at right now. It’s all so major key and irreverent. It’s all so brightly colored raybans and skinny jeans. It all feels like it would fit well in a gap commercial. Not all. But so much of it. There are cracks in its armor. But it’s hard to be doing really passionate wild loud music right now.

When we play out though it’s not hard at all. People respond. I’m glad to have found a drummer to play shows with, Tripp Beam. I feel that when we play it is awesome.

I’ve been attempting to record some video takes of songs real raw. But man it’s hard. The second the record button is pressed my brain can’t process words and then, sadly, I have control over the edit and I decide I look dumb and no-one will ever see these takes. But soon I will get it all straight. And I’ll be recording live raw takes of old and new songs and putting them out on the fly.

So like… that’s it. I guess you could say that more is to come. I guess you could probably bet on it. Hope this post isn’t a downer. It’s just honest. I say onward. I say on to more and better and music and thank you. Thank YOU for reading. I will talk with you soon, I hope.

But yeah, I’m reminded that documenting moments of time has a purpose, perhaps a hell of narcissistic purpose, but purpose nonetheless. It’s a night like this, last night of March 2012, where I am sipping cheap whiskey on my roof deck, lamenting that Kate is out working for the evening, teaching painting to a group class which must be terrifying. I am listening to Thao and the whosiwhatsits, which isn’t a common choice lately but it fits for now. It was really too quiet in this sweet orange ish apartment. Cinco is sitting on the orange chair making the scene all the more orange.

Life has been really kind of brutal in a non complainy way the last six months or actually year. No breaks man. No big hearty moments of smiley ness. A bit of confusion stew with generous sprinklings of self-doubt and repetition. What a weird time. Ugh. I don’t know that I could have lived it better, in fact I’m willing to bet I couldn’t have. But yeah. Aimless, hopeful and heartbroken.

Well, I mean I finished those albums about this time last year. After endless silly revisions. And then… wha happend? Weird mastering issues, time just passing in such an uncomfortable way, expectations built, and then shattered. Then reality set in.

Thank god for walks and brothers and family, lovely girls and dogs. Thank god for cheap whiskey and a night where I have the balls to write a journal entry that could be read by someone wondering who I think I am. I don’t know. I would love to personify the super cool musician to you, and seduce you with imagery from the special mind of a special musician. But that’s all obviously a bunch of scaredy cat bullshit. There aren’t any musicians out there that are really better than you, in your quiet apartment. They may have the perfect hairstyle in their press pictures, and they may tweet cleverly, and on stage they seem invincible, but they aren’t invincible, and they certainly aren’t cooler than YOU, who, incidentally, are the coolest ever. Music has a purpose, but it oughtn’t be to maintain the egos of its makers. So sayeth I.

Whatever.

So yeah. Turned a corner. Thank god for April. I am starting a new job on Monday. That’s right, a job. Well, yeah, I know. I hoped to break through with the new album enough to not worry about such trifles as “money” and “groceries” but it didn’t happen that way. It’s ok. I like work. I hope to be able to work as a musician and I think this job will give me breathing room. Maybe it will remind me how imperative it is to play music as the thing. I am really really really not interested in giving up. Even though at times, scary sad times in the past year I have actually thought that perhaps I ought to. Give up. Let’s face it. If you are reading this, you are the few and the proud. Unless I have indeed “made it” and this blog becomes a hysterically stupid piece of the legend dispelled of this music. Or what. This music. This… life.

I miss my friends. Gonna say it. Getting older you miss everything. And it’s important to realize the utter and complete sweetness of each phase. I would say “of each day” or “of each moment” but really I can’t keep up. I would just say that each phase of life is insanely sweet and poignant in its own lonely lovely way. Not that you are lonely, but that those phases are lonely. They want you to appreciate them. Remember first break up phase? Remember first apartment phase? Yeah. Those phases are lonely/lovely.

Ok. that’s my check in. Thanks for reading. You are rather patient.

Thanks life. This evening is cool. On to the greatest raddest most fantastic adventure yet!

Sat in a recording room with the director and the composer watching over me and listening to every note. Thankfully I’ve been through this before, and know to take deep breaths, that every take isn’t going to be perfect, and to push through.

What you are going for is nothing less than the perfect take. That little bit of emotion that pushes the movie to the next level. And getting that is not going to be easy, even under the ideal circumstances (which may or may not ever be the case).

I don’t have much wisdom to pass along re: the perfect take. What I will say is that taking control of the situation on some level is essential. If your take wasn’t perfect, be the one to say it first, even if their ears hear it as alright. Go back and record it again. And again. It’s not like tape is being bought for each take. In the digital realm, re-do’s are a blessing for the perfectionist.

It won’t be perfect. But it will be yours. It will be personal, and honest. And that will give the recording you make something special, which is why you are there and not a synthesizer.

via CELLO. LESSONS! – Always press record.

I witnessed all this as I was loading-in for a show at the Universal Bar in L.A. (It’s called the Universal Bar & Grill, but for some reason my pride allows me to play bars, but not bar & grills). The rain made the load-in more exciting than usual.

This venue was on the shore of the LA river in North Hollywood, which is not really as rustic sounding as it could be. At that point the river is a concrete slough and last night it was really raging, with no trees or grasses to slow it down. The rain was relentlessly dumping.

There was something kind of charged to the atmosphere outside and inside of the bar. Red light mixed with black lights and a cozy warmth. The smell of damp jackets and beer. Everybody had braved the elements a bit to make it out, and, as only some bars can do, it felt like THE place to be in case of emergency. So it was good. People were happy, the previous bands put on a great show and brought in a good draw and all was well.

We (as Midnight Door) played with abandon, as has been the case for all three of our shows thus far. Last night I felt even more the need to exorcise, and the feelings behind the songs felt pretty spot-on to me in my life. Being emotive wasn’t particularly difficult. More importantly though, the small crowd was TOTALLY into it , which is something that you can feel viscerally on stage. It is important and amazing when a crowd is wrapped up in every note… you can be exponentially more interesting and interested as a performer.

Then a rainy drive through Hollywood, which, at the risk of sounding like a farmboy, still impresses me greatly. I don’t know what Hollywood is or means, but it has a certain energy and excitement in its present that just being near is undeniable.

My brother came all the way up from Orange County and drove me to the gig and back which was amazingly cool. And my girlfriend as usual was present and super-into the whole thing, including carrying heavy equipment. Some good friends showed up for a meet up at the bar before and after, and my new partner in musical destruction Tripp played drums so excellently as only a pro can.

The night before, Saturday, we played in Echo Park at Pehrspace, which is this cool, funky venue that sits inside of a strip-mall type area. On both sides there are tiny hispanic churches whose buildings would be equally fitting for a laundromat or a travel agency.

Pehrspace is run by incredibly sweet and kind people whose real purpose seems truly to be allowing for art to happen. The opening band was a duo of drums and synth/beat/sounds and they brought a bunch of their super supportive crowd out. It was really great party jam music with thick beats mixed with urban psychadelia, and their drummer played live with a fury and a precision that is very difficult to pull off with electronic stuff.

There weren’t a whole ton of people there, but the ambience was supportive and great and wide open and so we just rocked it out. To tell the truth, circumstance made it such that we didn’t rehearse prior to the performance, but I had a feeling we could pull it off and we did. It was great. I was sweaty and sore after.

So now as is the usual though I just try and filter out what it means. To play great shows for a few people. To not actually have anything booked. It’s a mix of accomplishment and what now? It feels good and bad at once. I want to play more shows and reach more people and just, be able to do that. And that isn’t always easy to do. Ideally some clarity will come about, some natural career-ish evolution will become inevitable, and I will not have been spinning my wheels on a stationary device. Regardless, it was good great fun, and a solid workout to boot!